I see people who are 18, 19, 20 and going on adventures, taking advantage of that time. At the very least I could have been responsible and had my B.S by now, and NOW I could be adventurous for a period before getting a job or going to grad school.īut now I won't finish my degree until I'm 26 or 27, and I could be 33 before I'm done if I want to pursue further education. I could have spent the last 5 years actually finding myself, or traveling, backpacking, adventuring. I feel like I'm going to blink and be 40, then blink again and be 70.

This is quite honestly making me panic severely. I'm almost 24, and I'm starting to feel my perception of time speed up. I now realize that not only have I done nothing with my recent time, but I've done nothing during the entire 18-23 period of my life but wallow, and I will never be able to do it over. What I'm realizing now is sort of an exponentially increased version of what I realized after my first rut. I still have no idea what I want to do long-term, but I'm ok with that. The 'good' news is that after three semesters of just laying around (not even using the time off to do something adventurous or awesome), I started back into school this spring, and though my GPA is shit from my earlier failings, I will almost surely finish with A's in both my two classes this semester. I was so horrified, and I slid into an even darker, existential depression that has lasted up to current day and is reaching a boiling point. So what did I do? Did I snap out of it and start climbing upward? No. Once that depressive period related to my ex was over, I realized with shock that I had done absolutely nothing during that time and failed an opportunity to gain inner strength. I graduated and went to a community college even though I didn't know why I was there.įrom that point, all I did was aimlessly fail school for 3 years (18-21), meet a toxic girl (first love) that broke my heart after a 6 month relationship (21-almost 22), and instead of being a strong person and pushing through the heartbreak, I then let that heartbreak tumble into a toxic rut of depression that lasted for a year, where I left school and did absolutely nothing but work an unsustainable job (delivery driver with my own car that is now almost used up), lay around, and put on 50 pounds.

My senior year I didn't even apply for a college. In high school, all I did was waste my potential and genuine ability so I could play games and not have to think about responsibility. I didn't learn a skill that would blossom into a career, I didn't grow into a man. All I did in my younger years was play video games. Honestly, I can say I've struggled with this all my life, but it's been more severe since 18. I just need to get this out, throw it out in the world and see if anyone can help me. If you'll excuse this, I'm going to allow myself to be dramatic and expressive in this post. I have completely, entirely wasted the 18-23 phase of my life, and I'm completely devastated about it. I have been struggling with depression for a few years now, and it's all coming to a sort of unbearable boiling point. Hi there, I'm a 23 year old male who turns 24 in August.

Im.gonna get wasted